Oy veyyyy.

         I should have told you guys. Or at least explained. Zombie Prom is over. It has been for a long time now. I didn't really feel anything after the show. I mean yes I was sad to leave my character and what not. But I still had a choir performance left so I wasn't thinking about the lack of performance. But now that is over and boy, do I have a story for you.
          In my whole entire music life I have never been told to be quieter. In fact, my teachers always wanted me to go further, louder, become slightly reckless with my singing (not damage my throat but sing carefree). So when I went to the music hall before the concert on Saturday night being too loud was the furthest thought from my mind. Actually, being the lazy slob I am, I decided I would lip sync through the concert as the choir is big and loud. Why should my voice be heard? Plus, not to be snobby but it is a community choir not Chamber Singers, the audition group from my high school. I mean in high school my choir director was kind of known for being harsh but effective (think a tiny bi-polar Napoleon that runs his choir regime like Nazi Germany, without the race stuff of course).  I knew my lip syncing was not really going to happen, I felt too guilty. I was trained to be anything but a lip syncing bimbo in a choir. I knew I had to sing.
          Warm ups began. Now determined to sing I proceeded to execute them perfectly. I guess I didn't realize how loud I actually am or maybe how confident I have been lately. Well, this woman and another female  student in front of me were looking at each other as if they were 13-year-old brats giggling over the biggest secret in the world. Ignoring them I continued to focus on my voice, and my warmup. After a few more glances between the two, the student turned around tugged my arm (and it hurt!) and said very slowly so any 3 year old could understand, "You're sticking out, you need to blend." My whole body stopped. I didn't know how I was still breathing. I just...everything was on pause. Finally she turned once more and gave me a thumbs mouthing "Better". But, I wasn't even singing! And it was just warm-ups! I wasn't sticking out ever when we sang the piece! I was always told to sing warm-ups with more intensity! I just...this was such a fail.
            I know I am not a bad singer, I know it. But I think I've realized I'm not meant to sing in a choir anymore. I must've outgrown it at some point. I think from now on I will just stick to solo singing. Choirs aren't fun for me anymore. I just need to sing by myself, for myself, for a while.

Ohhh just shut up.

            NO. No no no no! This can not be happening. Let me tell you, I have very little at this school so far. And while I am lucky to have a nice dorm, good roommates, and good classes, I am allowing myself to be drawn to a competitive friendship. I've never been one to claim superiority or act as if I am the best, which very clearly I am not. So why is my friend trying to one up me?
           I love many things. Harry Potter. Star Wars. Disney. So does she. I figured this was enough to start a friendship. We could share and discuss as we were fans of the same breed. But clearly she has some problem with me. Does she feel like I am stealing something from her? Obviously at home we were both queens of such dominions, the so called experts. But now are we trying to compete for this title at school. I've never cared for such acknowledgements, let her have it. But don't assume I am not going to speak out about these things, hold my tongue and strictly listen to only her. I have a say, don't I? I have a right to go on the fansites and tell my friends what is going on without being brought into a sort of unclear competition of who knows best. Right?
            I admit sometimes I expect to much from people. I want everything I tell to be new, fascinating, and excite them just as it did for me. But this one just won't let me have it. She already knows. Everything. I know it's petty, I am slightly petty. Perhaps I am not supposed to have the meaningful friendships I see in fiction. I guess the real truth is that they do not exist. Oh well. Time to find a different friend.

"Captain, I find this completely illogical."

          I can't think. I don't have the proper capacity to do so. Instead I base my speech on emotion, something that my dear fictional friend Mr. Spock would find completely illogical. Now I would say I fear my thinking as much as I fear acting, and I've never figured out why. Being introduced to theorists such as Jerome Bruner in my English 105 class has forced me to begin thinking. I can no longer escape the severe musings in what is called my mind. This being said I find Bruner's theories to not only have unhinged my thought process but to alter how I think.
          Bruner defines language as a social construction explaining how it is not part of the natural world. Language already forces a perspective on communicators and the human role in the world. Bruner demonstrates humanity's close relationship to language through is explanation of how the first thing young children learn when learning speech is first and second speech therefore distinguishing themselves as individuals. In this way, language becomes the instrument in how we define ourselves.
          If language distinguishes who we are in relation to the world (becoming aware that we are "I" or "me") then certainly language can shape how we perceive both the world and ourselves. There is nothing inherent about language, allowing it to be molded or sculpted into different perceptions. Each word holds concepts created by language, a social construct, then all we know can be considered a social construct or concept. Though Bruner does not necessarily definitively state this, his ideas have allowed me to understand that when my search for a logical voice or thought process is not warranted.
          I am searching for an inherent part of myself that doesn't exist. Bruner has made me realize that my thought process is a construction and I must adjust it to fit what I am looking for instead of waiting for it to appear. I feel something weight has been lifted off my shoulders as I am not trapped in a world without my brain (does this remind you of the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz? I totally feel that vibe...) but have the freedom to choose how to shape it. I don't know if that is how or what Bruner intended or if this makes any sense but he has altered how much power I think I have. I feel like I am talking about secret Jedi abilities (which I so totally have). :P

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did I just crack a Star Trek and Star Wars joke in one blog? Why, yes I did. Yay nerdiness!

Men. Like they exist...

             So, I am going to be slightly sexist right now. (Sorry male readers!) I would say I don't understand men but that'd be a lie. Because I do. They are lazy sacs of water that have no sense of direction. Harsh? I'm sorry but seriously the next time I am forced to do a project/presentation with a man (or rather boy...) I might scream. I know I am not prefect. Sometimes I get doubts about the direction I am headed toward. But as far as academics go, I always try to figure out my shit. So why is it, blog, that every time I meet up with a male to discuss our project/presentation they act as if we will magically figure out 2 minutes before we present? Do they think a fairy will come down and give them their prompt? Holy mother of god. I am only one person. I don't care about your stupid seminar test, or the fact that you like science more than english just help me with the damn project. Alright, he is a nice guy but I am nervous. He just up and left me and we have nothing for this presentation.
               Let me be clear, I rarely deal with straight men (as partners for projects, friends, etc.). My interests, especially theater, align with many men but many are gay (or come out sometime during the friendship). I love my friends regardless of their sexual orientation but I just rarely talk to straight men alone. And in a way I feel like my inexperience let's them take advantage of me, making me do all the work for these projects. Anyway they seem aloof when I talk to them. It never is a fair trade in theater, lots of straight girls, many gay guys, and one straight guy, but I guess I don't get distracted. It just sucks coming back to the real world realizing you don't know how to talk to a straight male you are not related to.

So to sum up, I have no straight male friends.
Exciting I know. For those interested in Zombie Prom I will have times and dates soon. Expect Nov. 13-15.

It's funny how you think I can act.

       I'm not going to lie. Pardon my language but I am scared shitless of acting. I am confident I can sing. I am confident I can act while singing. But to act alone is something I have only little experience in. My part in Zombie Prom requires a bit of acting so of course I am nervous. Ginger is a know-it-all tattle tale "good" girl who will do anything to get attention for being right. Sounds simple but it really isn't. However, the other day I made the director laugh (not at me but at the joke!) and I felt so relieved. To know that I am actually conveying certain aspects of the character right was just incredible.
       I love to make people happy so I guess I should think of acting as another means to do that. Well, at least this kind of silly acting. I feel like dramatic acting might be an easier if not less intimidating task because the actor can channel his angst. Comedic acting requires different tones, the right timing, and odd facial expressions.
       I feel as though I am on the right path. Not skilled or confident but getting there. I think I just need to per form the show and I will feel better. I don't know. I am comfortable on the stage so I shouldn't be so worried. No, I will just be confident and pretend acting is nothing more than singing.

Please and Thank You

You know what I hate? When I am perfectly polite curious young woman asking a reasonable question, met with a spiteful response. You see, for a while I have been making plans. Not evil plans. Just plans that involve a CD of my singing that might be sent to agents. Crazy, I know. But I need some type of project, whether it be performing or recording.

So being the new assertive college girl I am, I nicely asked a woman (not a random on the street, the person I was supposed to ask) about recording opportunities here at school. And I was met with an icy cold stare and, for lack of a better word, snappy tone. A bit condescending, actually. I wanted to say, "Hey, lady leave your grumpy caffeinated attitude on your breakfast plate!"

Evidently, I was hungry. Regardless, I just smiled like the nice person I am and said "Thank you." 

I don't respond to bitterness with bitterness which is hard because I am only human. I guess this office woman could have been having a crappy day but honestly she didn't have to spread that crappiness to me. 

So no, I can't record a CD that may be the key to a voice-over career here on campus. That does not mean it won't happen. I'll wait till I get home. All I know now is that lady needs to listen to a good show tune. :P

Yeahh I've tried Yoga.

              I'm not exactly physically fit. I mean granted my mother, a holistic health counselor and exercise trainer, has forced me to appreciate a scrumptious (if not bitter) green drink or organic salad. But that is the extent of my fitness. I am no athletic ability whatsoever so exercise is out of the question. So when my friends suggested I try yoga this weekend, I almost fell down laughing. Yoga is for my parents, not me! I may be somewhat flexible but that doesn't mean I enjoy stretching. In an attempt to seem somewhat cool, I held my tongue, agreeing to subject myself to this torture.
              The class itself was difficult but enjoyable and extremely calming. As the class continued I realized that yoga is an art, which the teacher was perfecting with ease. The skill it takes to move your body in such a way, as well as be fluid. I gained a lot more respect for my parents (who are avid Yogis). Afterward, I felt loose, calm, and relaxed. Later that day I went to a practice room to sing (as I do twice a week) and I felt I sang the best I ever had without being at an actually voice lesson or performance. My breath support was incredibly strong, coming straight from diaphragm without hesitation. And for the sake of justifying my workout I am assuming that yoga improved my singing.
              I never realized how important exercise is. People always told me, but I never really took it to heart. Now that it has improved my singing I feel obligated as a vocalist to continue my yoga studies. Though I am sore beyond belief, I'll bite my tongue and suffer. The benefits actually do outweigh the achey limbs. ;)

Sacrifice to the Theater Gods

I must deviate from the typical topic, as I have unfortunate news.

            Two days ago, I bought cherry chapstick. I figured my parched lips could use a relief from my busy new college life. And though some of my friends claimed it smelt like liquid Advil (to which my chapstick took much offense), I loved that chapstick. It was short, but our relationship blossomed.
             So, today as I was rushing to get from rehearsal to rehearsal, naturally I reapplied it. This time, however, it was not meant to be, as it fell straight to the ground, ruined forever. My beautiful chapstick is now dead, in a trash can near my college's music hall. I didn't even get to name it. Shocked, I rushed to my next rehearsal only to find I wasn't needed.
RIP Chapstick. You were a great comfort in my hectic schedule of choir, classes, and musical theater.
You are my most recent sacrifice to the Gods of Theater, the Lords of Music, and the Ghosts of Hunger.
             Can you tell I am going insane? Or is normal to feel so much sorrow about one mundane item? My schedule is definitely getting to me. Half of it is devoted to the arts, which is exactly what I wanted, but there is still so much I want to do. I guess constantly reapplying my chapstick represented one selfish moment where I could indulge myself, rather than worry about everyone getting the right harmonies. I guess I'll have to wait till I get Chapstick 2.0.
LOL. Melodramatic much? I wonder why I am like that...
Guess it comes with being a theater person.

Anyways, I am going to listen to the Prologue of Into the Woods while you contemplate what is wrong with me.

Wait...I'm not playing a blonde?

           Blog, I think it is high time I explain something. For some time now I've been playing blonde-haired characters. Apparently, in some other lifetime I would've made the perfect blonde. However, I have received fantastical, exciting, exhilarating news. You see, a few days ago I auditioned for the not so common musical Zombie Prom at my college. To be honest, my first reaction was well... confusion... I mean, Zombie Prom? What kind of a musical is that? After much research, I discovered that it is a hysterically silly show, and felt confident about my audition. Confident, but not sure. Though I love to perform, I have always had apprehension about being larger parts. I sing more than I act. I love medium sized parts as I am slightly timid.
            Anyways, I got to the audition, not knowing what to expect. I was slightly hyperventilating, however filling out the audition sheet was a distraction enough. I'm glad I didn't forget my name because that could've been potentially problematic lol. Finally, it was my turn. After singing scales and reaching a high C (which is ridiculously high, no joke), I auditioned with "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the musical. Everyone was ridiculously friendly. And apparently, I kicked ass.
Someone mentioned to me that my audition was "talked" about in a good way. I didn't want to get my hopes up as I didn't get a callback for acapella groups which made me feel crappy last week. But later that day, I received an e-mail for a callback! I wasn't expecting a big part but at the callback they had me read for the lead. I was so surprised and confused which impaired my acting and singing skills. But not to worry because I got the part of GINGER (a friend of the lead) and drumroll please...
the understudy for the lead!!
             Not only do I have a name that completely refutes the idea of being blonde (though I won't have to have red hair either), but I get to see what is like to be a lead without the pressure!! I am so excited, it's like a practice test for a lead! Some people told me I should be upset but are you kidding? Being an understudy and having a good part is perfect for someone as hesitant as me! Plus, Sutton Foster, an incredibly talented broadway star, was originally cast as an understudy, which proves understudies are just as talented as leads! I didn't even consider being anything near a lead, as I don't believe I fit the part but I guess I am a good back up! Yay!!! No blonde wig this time!
I guess that goes to show you sometimes the unexpected can be a good thing! :D

Straight Into the Woods.

Alright, so my dumbest audition moment was for Into the Woods last year at my high school. I had done a  good job as the Baker's Wife and I was to read for Cinderella. At the end of the Cinderella scene I had to run away as I saw a giant beanstalk grow. Naturally, I ran but straight into the wall. The director only saw the tail end of my stupidity but he still gave me an odd look. However, surprisingly I landed the role of Rapunzel ! (Best role ever. And blonde. I always play the blonde which is strange because I am the most brunette person you will ever meet.)

Needless to say, the point is: yes you can screw up pretty bad but that doesn't ruin all chances of getting the part. I guess the key thing is to let the little mistakes go. And think before you decide walk into walls.

Hello!

If there is one thing I have learned in my 18 years of life, it's this:
Auditions are torture. In the back of your mind, the constant fear of failure remains. But at the same time, an image of success is momentarily tangible. Adrenaline pumps through veins, and most attempts to stay calm are futile. 
On a weekly basis, I ask myself "Why do I put myself through this?" 
It's because I know the risk is worth it. 
I know that auditioning gets me that much closer to performing. And performing makes me feel incredible. I can't describe it without getting cheesy, but it is as if I am I feel a surge of happiness and joy. 
I don't do roller coasters. I don't do heights. I don't do race cars. I perform. I audition. 
So, when the head director of a singing group shakes his head "no" while I sing basic scales, I think I have a right to be livid. 
Or when my high school director says I sang the part of Mary Lennox for the musical The Secret Garden perfectly at the callbacks but am "too short" for the role, I'm allowed to be angry. I can't control my height but I can control my talent. My non-theater friends think it is so easy to audition/sing/perform but they don't know how much self-confidence I have to develop. Performing is my passion but I don't know if I could ever pursue it. Maybe speaking to you, my non-existent audience will help me decide.